Why does it feel weird to be off work?

It's the same old story in life. Well at least I think it is anyway. 

We always want what we don't have. Well I guess I do. What about you dear reader?

I'd wanted a baby for so long. All my close friends had one (or even two) even my cousin (who swore blind that she'd never have a baby got pregnant the Christmas before I did) and I wanted it even more. 

Now Thomas is here I still can't quite believe it. In fact I need to pinch myself most of the time to remind myself that Its not a dream. He is mine. We created him and my life has and will never be the same again. What a brilliant and yet scary statement that is. What I've always wanted has finally come into fruition and yet. It feels weird. Surely this can't be this easy? He's here. My job is now to look after him. Do everything for him. Full time. Day in. Day out. Well until I return to work. 

When i was pregnant I couldn't wait for these days. The lie ins (well one can live in hope), the day trips, the baby clubs.. And again now it's here. I'm loving it. 

But..

But.. 

And I can't actually believe I'm writing this. Part of me misses being at work. Yes. There we go I said it. Part of me is missing the routine, the feel and buzz of being in the classroom, of having some normal work related conversation with my colleagues about the latest thing we've been asked to implement by up above.

Part of me feels guilty for taking each day as it comes, for doing as I please, for shopping, socialising and spending time doing what I want and not following a set timetable. I can go to the loo when I want, eat what I want when I want and don't have to endure the daily feeling of never quite being good enough at my job despite the fact that I have lots of very happy parents and students of my own. 

So why am I wanting what others have? God knows. I guess it's human nature. But what I do know is this is a pure example of how today (and I'm hopeful that it's just going to be for today). That I want what the majority of the working population has. To be at work. I'm sure it will pass and that this feeling is just a temporary thing. In the meantime I need to snap out of it and focus on today. Thomas. And making every moment count because I know one thing for sure. This time won't last forever. There will always be time to work, there will never a chance to get this time back again. And that is something I do have. Not everyone can have children. For some women their job is their child. Not for me. I have what I want and I wouldn't change it for the world.